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But God

By Ellie Coleman

Four years ago on December 5, 2015 my life was saved. I was diagnosed with severe depressive disorder in college and lived like an empty shell – smoking weed constantly and drinking to numb the pain, completely devoid of hope, joy, or purpose. I don’t think I truly laughed for about five years. I tried to kill myself when I was twenty-one, but survived because I didn’t take enough painkillers. Three years later, on December 5, 2015, I had a full bottle of hydrocodone and was about to take every pill in that little orange bottle to end my life, for good this time.

BUT GOD.

For some reason, before I took a single pill, I asked Him for help. Honestly, when I asked, I didn’t even necessarily think He could help me. And if He could, I didn’t think that He actually would. But He did. That day He showed me the power of my agreement – with lies and with Him. In three days, He walked me through a process of taking every depressive, tormenting, anxiety-filled thought captive. Literally a thought would come, telling me how worthless or horrible or ugly or terrible I was, I would say “I take that thought captive and send it to Jesus’ feet.” That’s it. I didn’t know what I was doing, but I was so desperate I just chose to believe He showed me a way out. And guess what?! After those three days, I was healed. I was a completely different person. I was happy and alive and happy to be alive. The only thing I did was ask for help and then CHOOSE to believe God.

Second Corinthians 10:3-5 says, “for though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”

Four years later, I am now married and pregnant with our first child. A few weeks ago, on the anniversary of the day God healed me, I re-watched my wedding video. I broke down, bawling, completely undone by the goodness of God. The unmatched power of Jesus. This video was the fruit of my life eight months after He stepped in, after He showed me that He could help and that He would help. I literally married the man of my dreams. And I LAUGHED when I said my vows. That might not mean anything to some people, or may seem like I wasn’t taking the new covenant I was entering into seriously, but actually it is a TESTIMONY. God took me from a 23-year-old shell curled up on the ground in her closet, fantasizing about ending her life on December 5, 2015 to a joy-filled woman, grinning from ear-to-ear, giggling in complete bliss as she said “I do” to her husband on August 20, 2016.

The story doesn’t end there. In fact, it gets better. But that’s all I have to say for now.

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